


"Taken By Teasing Tentacles"

by berlynn_wohl



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Monster porn, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-09
Updated: 2018-04-09
Packaged: 2019-04-20 18:12:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14266731
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/berlynn_wohl/pseuds/berlynn_wohl
Summary: Newt finds out that Hermann has been making a little money on the side with porn...And he has some feedback.





	"Taken By Teasing Tentacles"

For someone who had nothing to do, Hermann was sure typing at a furious pace. Newt could hear it all the way across the lab, where he had been killing time cross-checking the kaiju sample inventory. Hermann had been going at it for _hours_. What could there possibly be to write a report on? There hadn't been an attack in three months, and their research had come to a standstill. Without more data, they were stuck.

Newt thought that perhaps Hermann was working on something dumb and boring for _Astrophysics Monthly_ , or _Sweater-Vest Monthly_ perhaps, as Newt was sure he also subscribed to such a journal. Newt decided to go over and annoy Hermann, just to spice up the day a little.

"Whatcha writin'?" he asked, swooping behind Hermann's desk to peek.

"Nothing!" Hermann slammed his laptop shut so quickly and so fiercely, Newt knew it had to be something really good. He reached over Hermann’s shoulder and snatched up the laptop, running over to the couch with it.

"How dare you!" Hermann tried to stand up, but faltered, so he reached for his cane where it was propped against the desk, but he in his haste he knocked it over, and by the time he’d picked it up, Newt already had the laptop open, and was reading what Hermann had been writing. Defeated, Hermann slumped back down into his office chair.

Newt's eyes were like saucers. "What is this? Oh my god, what the hell is this? If this is a paper, maybe I need to get into your field. _Taken By Teasing Tentacles_?"

Hermann squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed his temples. "If you must know, for the past few years I have been supplementing my PPDC income by publishing short fiction."

"This is not 'short fiction.' This is monster porn, my friend." Newt began to read an excerpt aloud, while Hermann crossed his arms on his desk and buried his face in them. " _I knew now that there was no more use in resisting, as first one, then three of the creature's slippery appendages began to slither their way inexorably towards my love-hole._ Love-hole?"

"The narrator's gender is left ambiguous,” Hermann sighed, “so as to appeal to a wider audience."

"Actually, that's pretty smart." Newt scanned down the document. "Yeah, that's fair, I have no way of discerning whether the nipples described here are male nipples or female nipples."

Hermann lifted his head to cry out, "Can you please never say the word 'nipple' out loud again, thank you."

"Hey man, you're the one writing monster porn."

"It is only because it is the most lucrative sub-genre of erotic fiction. People cannot get enough of…that sort of thing." Hermann gestured at the laptop. "If it's a slow month in the lab, and I have time to write, I can make a thousand dollars in a month publishing these stories."

Newt perked up. "Exactly how many of these have you written?"

"Oh, dozens. _Loved By The Lizard People_. _Chupacabra's Consort_. _My Master, the Merman_. Alliteration is very popular with these titles. You have to have a catchy title."

The revelation of Hermann's hobby was only just now truly starting to dawn on Newt. Hermann could make a thousand dollars a month cranking out stories like these? For some reason, the fact that it was lucrative made it less laughable, and realizing that made Newt feel kind of mean. What difference did it make, if Hermann wrote this stuff to get his rocks off or to make a buck? Newt had a lot to think about all of a sudden.

No longer in the mood to make fun of Hermann, Newt stood up and brought the laptop back to his desk. He handed it over, and Hermann opened it again, waiting for Newt to return to his own side of the lab, so he could continue his writing. Newt started to walk away, then turned back around.

"So, I don't know if this is helpful, but sea otters have the densest fur of any mammal. One million individual hairs per square inch of skin. So their fur is like, super thick and soft. That’s just a fun fact, fr if you wanted to write something about, like, an otter-man, who had sensually soft fur."

Hermann waited for the punchline, but none seemed to be forthcoming, so he simply said, "Thank you, that is helpful."

"Oh, and people always think of reptiles or frogs when they think of long tongues, but there's this bat that has the longest tongue of any mammal in relation to its body size. So, I'm just saying, if you wanted to write about a creature with a, uh, a very long tongue, it could be a bat...man. You'd have to come up with another name, obviously."

Hermann looked up at Newt. "Newton, would you like to...collaborate?"

Newt grinned. "Oh my god, _yes_." He planted himself in a chair next to Hermann and launched into a lecture. "Okay, so the bat is called the tube-lipped nectar bat. I don't know if that's a sexy name for a bat or not, but you don't have to call it that in your story. So being a nectar bat, it's harmless to other animals, but maybe you could have your narrator be afraid because they think the bat guy is a vampire bat, but he gently reassures them that he's not, and then...then the love happens."

Hermann, immediately inspired, was already typing away. 

**Author's Note:**

> I have no idea if the titles listed in this story are actual titles of actual Kindle porn. I feared that if I tried to find titles that I could be sure no one had ever used before, this fic would take all day to write. So, apologies to anyone whose titles I borrowed.


End file.
